True Loss
by Shusoka
Summary: This is Ace of Time's B-day fic! What would happen if Tsuzuki lost what was most important to him? Summaries suck. :P Rr


**Author's note: **

**Happy birthday ****Krystal**** (Ace of Time)! I know it is past your actual b-day but I wanted to spread it out by giving gifts before, during and after it. (Also the fact that I'm slow at typing. Yes, I only use 4 fingers!) This is my story gift in return for the one she did for me. I noticed by most of your YnM fan fics you like drama so here is a twisted one for you! I have added a few requests of hers: A game of cards between Tatsumi and Watari - who ever looses had to lick a frog, and Tsuzuki crying. They both show up somewhere in this fic. There is also Hisoka's little kitty plushie! Whee.**

**This is mostly Tsuzuki/Hisoka but small hints of other pairing come up, such as Tsuzuki/Tatsumi but not in a way where it is very serious. Some ideas of this fiction is based off ****Krystal**** and my Yami no Matsuei rp. **

**Just note that this takes after the last episode of Yami no Matsuei so for those who are not finished watching it: this may/almost certainly will contain spoilers.**

~*~*~

True Loss

His emotional pain had never been so severe. It was becoming so harsh it was affecting him physically. He could feel himself trembling, tears fogged his sight, and he could barely hold his own head up. He let out a sigh that took him a minuet to gather his thoughts. The office never felt so empty . . .  so lonely. He could not stop asking himself questions, having mixed negative emotions or stop blaming himself for what had happened.

There was a soft knock at his door. Tsuzuki swiftly wiped away his tears before they fell but he did not face the workroom entrance to greet his visitor.

Watari entered even though he had not gained an invitation. Not even he was at his usual state. He seemed more serious then ever on his behalf. His eyes were filled with concern as he watched the shinigami slowly turn to him then look away back at his work on his desk- pretending to be more interested with it. He had to focus him mind or else he would have a break down. but it was too late.

Watari knew this was a cover up since he was never interested with paperwork but he did not bring it to conversation. "Tsuzuki," Watari started but when he could not find the words to finish his sentence he sighed. Instead, he walked to the front of his desk and pulled up a chair.

"Watari . . . why-" his voice cracked as he struggled to keep it steady. He cleared his throat and tried again, "why are you here?"

He leaned closer and grabbed his hand to give him support. "Tsuzuki, we are all sad but what happened can not be changed. You're taking this the hardest out of us all and I can understand why but even though I know it's hard, you have to move on before there is no turning back. You can't keep going on like this."

Tsuzuki withdrew his hand from Watari's. He did not say a thing in reply. What he was requesting was beyond imposable.

Watari took it to no offence, regretting his choice of words. He started over. He tilted his head slowly, "are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine," he lied and forced a smile though Watari refused to believe it. It was a struggle just to hold his smile up. His lip trembled as he fought the urge to cry. He bit his lip until it bled just to stop it. He licked the blood off before the blond would notice. He quickly stood up to excuse himself. Although his leg still hurt from the previous day he ignored it. He frantically thought of a reason he could leave. "I'm going to go get a drink."

Before he left the room, Watari called him one last time. "Tsuzuki, if there is anything you need, we are all here for you."

He nodded slowly, "thanks." He then exited to the hall where he ran into the secretary who held a parcel in his hand, "I got you a gift to help cheer you up."

Tsuzuki took it but chose to unwrap it later. Right not he was not in the mood. "You didn't have to do that."

"I would do anything for you," Tatsumi said softly but not in a way where it would make the atmosphere uncomfortable.

Tsuzuki opened his mouth to protest but he knew better. It was not like him to argue.

There we no words he could say to comfort him so he was not stupid enough to set his goals so high. He would at least help comfort him and lead him through one of the hardest times of his life. (I know they are all dead but how else can I say that?) 

"If you need a shoulder to cry on-" before Tatsumi could finish his offer, Tsuzuki rested his head next to his neck. He let his tears fall as he took down his mask that he used to hide his feelings.

Although slightly surprised at his sudden actions, Tatsumi did not jump or react in a negative way. He slowly rubbed his back and hushed him when Tsuzuki tried to speak but no words could form. His laments were silent but he made small gasps to support the facts. Gaining his sympathy, Tatsumi gave him an offer, "you can take the rest of the day off. You need a break."

~*~*~

Tsuzuki was glad to escape from his work and stress but what he was more thankful to get away from there because everything he saw reminded him of only depressing thoughts and hard memories. Yet his walk alone was even more painful to tolerate. Although Tatsumi and Watari offered him help, he could not bring it to topic without falling apart.

He turned his walk into a sprint, despite his injured leg. He would have to get used to that pain since that wound would never heal. He did not care how much longer he had to go. He just ran. He was not even sure if he wanted to head home but he ended up there anyways. When he got inside, he shut the door softly and leaned his back against it. Still panting from his run, he slowly slid down until he was sitting. He brought his hands up to his biceps hug himself. Now that he was alone, he would not hold back anything. He let the tears stream down his face.

"Why did it happen? The day started so well. Why. . .?" he thought to himself.

He remembered Hisoka and himself were free of work after tying up loose ends on their latest supernatural case. After a long time of pestering, Tsuzuki finally convinced the young shinigami to a small arcade game. Of course, games themselves were of no interest to him so he spiced it up by adding a small bet. . .

~*~*~

"Ah, so if you win. . ." Hisoka trailed off so he could finish the sentence for him.

"You have to . . . treat me to chocolate cake!" Tsuzuki chirped. Just thinking about the delicious, sweet dessert made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Hisoka raised an eyebrow to confirm that this was what he really wanted. Getting a nod in reply, he chose his side of the bet. "If I win then you have to behave for at least one hour."

"A full hour!?" Tsuzuki coughed, seeing it as a much more difficult task then it really was. He remembered Watari made Tatsumi lick a frog when he lost at a card game, but this was far worse to him!

"Yes, but don't worry: I have never played any video games before so you're more likely to win then I am."

As reassuring as Hisoka's words were, he still pouted like a puppy in hopes that he would withdraw it and change it for something else. Not falling for his charm, Hisoka took the lead to the arcade without taking the bets up to discussion. Giving Tsuzuki another advantage, he let him pick out the game.

An air hockey table caught his eyes and he dragged Hisoka over to it. He placed a quarter in after briefly explaining the rules.

Tsuzuki had the plate first. He gently hit it towards Hisoka, allowing him to have the feel of the game before playing seriously. In return, Hisoka jabbed at the puck making a goal. It was too strong and fast for Tsuzuki to even attempt to block it. As if somewhat frightened, he retrieved the puck and placed it on the table. 

Tsuzuki tried to lighten the competitive mood, "Nice shot, especially for your first try."

Hisoka neglected his compliments since he was too focused on the game to even hear them. As it progressed, Hisoka continued to stay in the lead. Even with Tsuzuki's little bribes, he was too determined to throw the game.

Tsuzuki was stuck defending his goal, his hand hurt from how tight he was gripping his piece. One more shot for Hisoka and he would win the game.

The lights blinked as Hisoka gained the last score needed to finish it. Tsuzuki did not even notice anything had happened. He just blinked blankly.

"I win." He said, rather calmly as he left the table.

"Soka -chan!" Tsuzuki squeaked as he scampered after him, "You know I can't behave. . ."

"Don't call me that. You are over one hundred years old, act your age," Hisoka said, giving him no pity, "you were the one who insisted on playing a game in the first place, baka."

He made a point but he was not about to give in yet. "You're going to miss my annoying half! This is just me," he poked him lightly, not being quite convincing. He continued to protest, getting him nowhere in the bet until he finally was convinced to pay the price. 

They left the arcade moments after. Tsuzuki could barely speak since he did not want to risk annoying Hisoka in any way. Although their walk together was silent, Tsuzuki did not mind; if he had to calm down to make him happy he would do it. He would rather be quiet and have Hisoka's company then not have him with him at all.

"Hisoka, I'm going to make you a promise." Tusuzuki said, but did not seem to win his attention. He continued anyways, "As a partner and as a friend, I will always stick by your side, no matter what. I will never leave you."

"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka seemed slightly at loss for words. He was confused to why he said this but figured with his mouth shut he must have a lot on his mind. He nodded and returned the promise, "Same for you. It's a promise."

That made him smile. He had taken a step towards getting closer to him. He would gain his full trust. It would just take time.

Even with an optimistic outlook on the bet now, time was going too slow for him. Only fifteen to twenty minutes had passed and it already felt long enough. He was restless. Tsuzuki could not hold it anymore. He wanted to keep the conversation but he had to be careful with what he said or his hour would start over. "So. . ." he mumbled, not able to finish what he was going to say.

Hisoka glanced idly in his direction, waiting for him to finish.

He thought for a moment then shook his head. "It's nothing."

"Tell me."

"It will just annoy you though."

"Now I'm interested," he persisted then repeated himself, "Tell me."

He was hesitant to continue but took his chance, "It's just that you're very cute when you're not mad at me. Not that you're not cute when you are!" he corrected.

His face flushed to a deep red. "I-I'm what!?" he stuttered, not quite expecting such a compliment. He took it as if it was a negative thing.

"Maybe I should stay like this more often," he said, more for himself then Hisoka. He was thinking out loud.

"I'm not cute! Your time is starting over." Hisoka grew defensive, but calmed down. Instead of choosing new words he decided to clear some things up, "I may get upset sometimes but I'm never really mad at you. I don't mean to come off so harsh."

Even though this was news to him, Tsuzuki nodded as if he knew. "Do I really need to start over, Hisoka?"

"No, you don't," he said, thinking. He turned his gaze to the ground in front of him as he slowed to a stop, "actually, I'm taking the bet off."

"Why?" Tsuzuki was somewhat shocked. He stopped right next to him and turned to face him, curious to his reply.

"Your right; you were just being yourself. Who am I to make you change?" he continued to look away as his voice grew softer, "I like you. . . just the way you are."

"Aw . . .  'Soka, that's really sweet," Tsuzuki said. "See, I told you you'd miss it if I wasn't myself," he teased, smiling brightly.

Hisoka blushed once again, ignoring his comments.

"See, you are cute!"

Hisoka gave him a hard, but not threatening, glare. His gaze traveled to the store that they stood across the street from. "Come. I want you to pick out a cake. It will be my treat." 

Tsuzuki was not used to hearing such kind offers from him but he accepted his gift, understanding that this was his way of apologizing instead of using words. He knew he would have felt guilty if he did not accept it.

Even thought Hisoka took the lead, Tsuzuki had to take over since Hisoka was clueless to where the cakes were in the store.

"Cake is not bread!" he complained, "why is it all the way back here?"

Tsuzuki slowly shook his head, not bothering to answer his pointless questions. Instead he was focused on choosing out his treat. Hisoka would have offered him help but to him they all looked the same so he left it to him. "I'll take that one!" even though the one he pointed to was small, it looked delicious. It was covered with white icing and had green decorations on it. He liked it since the light green matched his partner's eye colour but he kept his reasons to himself.

Hisoka went to go pay for it when Tsuzuki got a call on his cell. Although tied up with the cashier, Hisoka seemed more interested with finding out what the call was about. By the looks of his face it was not good news. 

Tsuzuki waited to explain the phone call to him when they left the store. "We have a new case to work on"

"What happened?"

"There have been two murders that somehow link together." Tsuzuki explained but that was all he knew from the call so he did not question him. After that point their walk to Meifu lacked any conversation between the two.

~*~*~

"Here are the pictures, a bit disturbing but they have something in common," GuShoShin explained he showed them the photographs of the corpses, murdered previously. As severe as it was, they had been exposed to death far too many times to let it affect them to a certain point, yet they pitted the innocent victims. Tsuzuki, although strong, had to look away however. He could not bare the fact that someone was so cold hearted to commit such a crime. 

"They both have a porcelain doll, which resembles them, close to their body as if left behind as a clue of some sort. I think they represent them since the wounds on the body even are marked on the dolls," he continued as he zoomed in on one picture that happened to be open on the laptop screen. There were cracks on them where the gashes on the bodies were to prove his point.

The doll's stare was very eerie, even though it was not facing directly towards the camera. Its eyes were cold and empty and it skin was so white. It looked as if it was a dead child's frozen corpse. A shiver went down Tsuzuki's spine at that moment.

"They were killed by a voodoo spell," Watari pointed out as GuShoShin enlarged further onto the doll's arm where a few strands of hair bound it. "To target a voodoo spell, hair, or other possessions, must be in contact to the figure the spell is being cast on. It concentrates the attack to the owner of the possession."   

"Does any of this mean anything to you?" Tatsumi asked.

His question made Tsuzuki remember someone who sure had a thing for collecting the dolls but the clues were not supporting enough to pinpoint him alone. It could have been anyone but he had a hunch.

Hisoka, without a warning, turned and left the room without explaining himself first. Sensing that something was wrong, Tsuzuki followed him, abandoning his work. None of the others stopped him from doing so, knowing it was for a good cause.

"Don't follow me," Hisoka ordered rather softly. Even though he did not turn and see him, he knew he would follow, "I want to be alone right now." His walk quickened as if he was trying to get rid of him.

"Hisoka, wait," he caught up and gently grabbed his shoulder. Usually he would get snapped at but this time Hisoka was not in the mood to really argue him off. "Tell me what is wrong. I want to help."

Apparently he had reached to him since he stopped. Hisoka knew it would have significance to their new assignment so he shared his opinions for the sake of it, although the moment was rare. "On the night I died. . . do you know why Muraki did all of that stuff to me?"

Tsuzuki gave his question some thought before answering, "Because you saw a murder, right?" He did not really understand why he asked that but he followed along, knowing he was going to make a point.

"Well, yes but. . ." he drifted off. When he found his words he continued, "he did it because I reminded him of a porcelain doll."

"So you think it is Muraki who committed the crime?" Tsuzuki asked and got a nod to confirm. He was not surprised that he had thought so as well. That was his man guess as well. The puzzle was simpler with two leads but still it did not answer where he was hiding. All they knew was that he was still alive.

Hisoka leaned against the wall and stared at the ground, refusing to look any higher then Tsuzuki's feet. "Now that I told you, will you leave me alone?" Hisoka asked softly in such a way Tsuzuki did not want to refuse but he also did not want to leave his side.

It was clear that seeing the murders had reminded the young shinigami of his own death and was upsetting him. Tsuzuki neglected his request and bent down to embrace his partner. He did not want to see him like that, overall leave him alone at that state. "Don't think about that night. To let it affect you is just going to make this side of death even worse. You did not deserved death, no one does." His grip on him subconsciously became tighter, "try to focus on the good things. Don't let your past haunt you."

The empathetic shinigami felt such a strong emotion coming from him. It was comforting yet worried. For a moment he just stood there, shocked but once he gathered himself he accepted the hug but did not return it. ". . .What good things?"

"If that did not happen, you would have never became a shinigami. I would have never met you." He slowly released him then gave him a weak smile and moved on, "I promised that I would stay by your side. I will stick to my word."

Although he did not know that their promise was a metaphor for support, Hisoka appreciated his gestures. He felt better, taking what he just said into consideration.

"Come on, let's go investigate our case," Tsuzuki said in hopes that he would go back with him. With his luck, he did.

~*~*~

As the morning progressed to evening they found out nothing more than who it was. They were left in the dark without any more clues. The murders took place in their city, so at least they knew he was close. It all seemed at loss until something caught his eye. . .

Tsuzuki was still examining the pictures when he noticed something small tucked in one of the doll's pocket. "What is that?" he asked anyone who was in the room and paying attention to him.

Tatsumi, accompanied with Hisoka, walked over to examine what he had to point out. "It looks like a note. I'm surprised I did not notice it before." He pushed up his glasses and turned as if ashamed with himself.

"It matched the clothes so I can understand why." He replied as he stood, "where is the doll now?" Hisoka turned his gaze to Tatsumi, wondering the same question.

"It is in Meifu somewhere, Watari or GuShoShin should know where it is."

At that, Tsuzuki and Hisoka hunted the item down.

~*~*~

"Answer my prayers once again," Tsuzuki read in a mumble so only the people who were following the writing on the note could understand what he was saying. Apparently, that alone was enough to finish the puzzle for Tsuzuki, while everyone else did not understand. The note was for Tsuzuki, confirming it was Muraki since that was what he had said to him once before. He knew he had to return to the church where they first met: that was where he more likely was. 

"I'm going out for a bit." He said rather casually as to not catch anyone's unwanted attention. He wanted to leave without gathering concerns.

"Where are you going?" Hisoka persuaded, catching on that he was trying to hide something.

Tsuzuki knew he could not lie to Hisoka due to the fact that he could read his feelings. It was probably his empathy that made him seem so suspicious. Even if he knew something was up, Tsuzuki did not want to bring Hisoka along and get him involved in it. The way the letter was written was so that only Tsuzuki would know; therefore he only wanted Tsuzuki to meet him and him alone.

". . .Tsuzuki?" Hisoka asked due to his hesitance as he waited for his reply.

He had not caught his own pause and was forced to think of something quickly. Rather then lie to him, he bent around his question. "Just stay here," he said as he left, not giving Hisoka chance to insist on following.

Tsuzuki regretted not making sure he stayed behind for Hisoka was far too stubborn to let him go by himself. He had not even noticed he was being followed by him at all. If only it crossed his mind. . .

~*~*~

At this point the sky was darkening to navy blue as the winds picked up, the air fresher and cooler then before. It was cold enough to make Tsuzuki bring his jacket along to his walk. His hands dug in his pockets for warmth, clenching the note that lead him to his destination. 

He slowed his walk as he gazed to the church's massive structure. On the angle he was looking at it on, it almost was a complete silhouette but the stained glass lit with bright colours. He readied himself before he entered it, not quite sure what to suspect. He approached the building after climbing a few stairs. He slipped inside almost completely silent if it was not for the rusty door hinges that creaked.

Muraki, who was kneeling down in a prayer, slowly stood and turned to faced him for the small sound introduced his entry.

"So it was you," Tsuzuki's voice had changed to a point where it was almost threatening. He skipped the greeting and cut down to the chase. He did not deserve a friendly greeting.

This just made Muraki smile, "I knew you would come."

"What do you want?" Tsuzuki was now glaring. He disliked his smug attitude but did not let himself get out of hand.

Muraki then drew a very familiar looking porcelain doll and focused on that before answering his questions. "Did you know my mother used to collect these when she was alive?"

He did not answer.

"That got me into collecting them myself. My brother killed her and my father," He paused for a moment then continued, "The dolls, they remind me of humans, so fragile. . . so easy to shatter." He was walking his way closer to him.

He was growing impatient with his stories, "Why did you kill them?"

Muraki seemed to ignore him, "You are not human, Tsuzuki. Your body was perfect." He paused, "Did you even know my purpose?" He slowly touched his cheek, making his very edgy. 

He moved out of his reach. "You wanted my body," he answered but he never really knew why and he knew he was going to find out.

"I watched Saki die but I wanted to be the one to kill him. I had a plan to bring him back, with your help, then I could kill him myself."

Tsuzuki took a step back as he felt Muraki was growing much more dangerous.

He laughed in an evil way, making it very uncomfortable, "Instead of helping me, you ruined my last chance. . . my lab was demolished, along with what I had left of Saki. The Tern Snake's fire destroyed everything. I'll never get my revenge on him because of you. But, I can get my revenge on you."

"Why did you kill the other two?! If you wanted me then why did you have to get them involved?" Instantly he felt a horrible guilt. He was once again responsible, the motivation of a killing. ". . .W-why?"

Muraki once again referred to the doll, "It has such beautiful amethyst eyes, just like yours." In his hand he held a small lock of his hair. "Tsuzuki, I wanted you before but you were out of my reach. Now I have you and you will join my little. . . collection."

Tsuzuki's heart beat seemed faster as he figured out what he planned. He felt naïve for letting him get so close or else he could have avoided his voodoo spell. He cursed under his breath, not knowing how to prevent it.

After wrapping his strand of hair around the doll's arm he 'tested' it to see if his spell had successfully worked by twisting the arm around in a painful position. 

A jolt of pain stabbed his arm as it twitched in its painful position. He whimpered slightly and gritted his teeth subconsciously.

He let him go, laughing at his pain. For a twisted reason he found pleasure in watching him suffer. He stopped the games and moved in for the kill as he drew a knife and held it to the doll's neck. "A shinigami can not die for they heal. Do you remember that they can not stand a long period of time loosing blood? A wound that never heals should work handsomely on my side for a porcelain doll is like a human. Once broken it can not be fixed. " His grip tightened on the knife as he brought it closer to the doll's neck.

Tsuzuki was trembling, squeezing his eyes tightly as he got ready. He could already feel the knife pressing on his neck faintly.

"Stop!" 

Tsuzuki had never been so happy to hear his partner's voice. Hisoka came to his rescue. He stood at the church's doors, pointing his gun at Muraki.

Tsuzuki's eyes fogged with tears of joy, "Hisoka. . . Sankyuu!" He knew it was too soon to thank him but if Muraki's plan did take action then he would at least be thankful the last person he got to see was Hisoka.

Although it seemed that they had the advantage Muraki was laughing. "You are such an ignorant child."

Tsuzuki for a moment thought he was just trying to make it seem like he was going to make a mistake but his next point proved him wrong.

"By killing me you would complete your purpose as a shinigami. You are one just to get revenge on me. If I die, you're coming with me." Muraki smirked, not having a fear in death. Death smiled upon him, all he could do was smile back at it.

Hisoka leaded his gun, "I'm well aware of this."

"Don't shoot him!" Tsuzuki called, "Please Hisoka, don't do it!"

"If I don't he will kill you," Hisoka said holding his place and not moving his eyes off the maniac. 

"I would rather die than watch you die, Hisoka. . . put the gun down!" He begged.

Hisoka was going to reply but Muraki had moved on and was going to break the doll's throat. He pulled the trigger, despite Tsuzuki's cries. The shot echoed coldly in the depths of the church.

Muraki took the hit straight on, for he did not even try to avoid his bullet. It pierced straight through his chest and out his back. Blood splattered to the floor, staining his white clothing. He stood there for a moment, coughing up blood as a drop drizzled from his lip. The doll slipped out of his arms and hit the ground. The most damage it took was its leg cracking. Muraki then fell on his knees, then to his front. Slowly a pool of blood formed underneath him.

Tsuzuki's leg was in great pain due to the fall the doll took. Warm blood poured from his fresh, stinging wound. He stumbled to his side, using a bench to help him stand. "Hisoka!" he called as he limped over to his friend's fading figure. His leg was very weak, causing him to fall to the ground. He forced himself to continue, wanting to get to him before he was gone. It was a great struggle. "No. . ." he whimpered, not thinking he would make it to him.

Hisoka walked over to him to make it easier and knelt next to him. He placed his hands on his shoulders and for once smiled, just for him. "Tsuzuki, I would never leave you, just like I promised. Goodbye Asato," Those were his last words before fading away to nothing. 

"Hisoka, wait. . . don't leave me." Tsuzuki called, hoping for some sort of sign. " 'Soka-chan?" he felt around where he had vanished but felt nothing. He refused to believe he was actually gone. He hugged himself, rubbing his shoulders where his hands were. They were still warm from his hands. He just vanished before his eyes, he did not even have the chance to say goodbye in return. He would never have the chance again. He would never see him again. . .

Trembling, his tears poured madly from his eyes. His grip tightened on his shoulders. "HISOKA!!!" . . .

~*~*~

Tsuzuki had forgotten the rest of the day for he was so lost. . . He could not think straight. 

He sighed, staying leaning against his door. He did not want to move, even if he spent the entire night there.

His eyes fell upon the cake Hisoka had purchased for him before but he could not bare himself to eat it. He wanted to preserve his last few memories of him.

Tsuzuki remembered the small gift Tatsumi had given him before and decided that maybe it could help cheer him up. He unwrapped it and opened the box to reveal a small kitty plushie. He smiled faintly as he remembered giving it to him a long time ago since he mentioned he never had a toy when he was little. He hugged the small cat, it smelled like him. That alone told him the gift was loved.

He listened to his own advice, to not let the past haunt him. Rather then regretting the things he had done, he chose to remember the good times. It just made him miss him even more though. Hisoka's last words echoed in his head "I will never leave you, just like I promised". Although it was a true loss, he no longer felt alone for he would never be.

~*~*~

**Author's note: Wow, that was somewhat depressing. What a nice little b-day gift. Lol, I know I'm evil. Writing as Tsuzuki as the main character is kinda different for me so I'm sorry if some parts of this were slightly ooc. *shrugs* Any-who, I hoped you liked this ****Krystal****!**


End file.
